I hate Chase Utley.

Yeah, I’m a Mets fan living in Philly, and, yeah, this years NLCS makes me want to drown myself in the Schuylkill River…but this hatred is fueled by more than baseball.

I hate Chase Utley because I want to be Chase Utley.

Chase and Jen Utley, with their adorable, adorable kittens.

Let’s break this picture down, clockwise:

• Chase Utley: This thirty year-old man is paid millions of dollars to play baseball. See that watch? It cost more than my rent. That haircut? My monthly food budget. The dude is loaded.
• Jen Utley: Just look at her. When Chase isn’t making millions of dollars playing a kids game, this is the woman with whom he’ll spend his entire life.
• Kittens: There’s a touchy, awe-inspiring story behind this regarding Chase and Jen’s animal-abuse charity, but I’ll judge the book by its cover. Chase Utley plays with kittens..lots of them.

So, in summary, Chase Utley makes millions of dollars to play my favorite sport, celebrates by sleeping with his smoking hot wife, and, when he gets bored with that, he plays with his army of adorable kittens.

I was cut by my JV baseball team in the 10th grade. I make $1000/month on Unemployment Compensation, and haven’t even talked to a girl below my weight-class in three years.

Chase Utley is a f^##!ng a$$h@le.